Okay. So you remember a few days (or weeks, maybe…I lose track) ago I mentioned that I was finally caught up on constructing and purchasing my “blog books?” All 6 of them. Well they’ve arrived and are sitting up on the shelf.
This afternoon I decided to look through the first one and made a shocking discovery.
I am living my life on a hamster wheel.
The first book starts in January of 2013, and with a little change in wording, I could use the same posts for this year.
I’m behind on this, I haven’t followed through on that. My house is a mess, Christmas isn’t put away, I’m feeling like I need to create something but I can’t work up the energy to do anything but sit and waste time. I really need to learn how to use this camera, and I just HAVE to get this weight off. I need to get my studio organized. Blah, blah, blah.
The thought crossed my mind that if I didn’t blog, I could fool myself into believing I was making progress somewhere in my life. But there it is, in black and white, and living color. I am no further along on my creative journey than I was three years ago. In fact, I may have regressed. My house is more cluttered, the pile of unfinished projects higher, and my weight hasn’t budged an ounce.
And the wheel turns and turns and turns.
BUT, and this is a huge BUT, I refuse to give up, and I refuse to give in to this negativity. I am who I am – a study in contradictions. I am messy and imperfect. I never claimed to be anything else.
There are things in my life with which I have a love-hate relationship. Sometimes they bring me joy, and sometimes they weigh me down. Lately, I’ve been allowing too many of them to weigh me down. And THAT has kept me from doing the things that make me feel lighter, and more joyous.
So. Where do I go from here? I’m not sure, but one thing I do know is that I have to get off this hamster wheel.
I don’t have a plan. And I don’t know that I want one.
So for now, I’m going to fly by the seat of my pants…OR, get this…follow the path of my heart. (Heeheehee! Way to work in my “phrase of the year!”)
Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do. Or try to do. I’m going to try to stop allowing myself to get bogged down by the things I can’t control, and pay more attention to the things that make my heart happy.
Again, I laugh. Kinda sounds like a plan.