I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to “fix” me.
I jump from one self-improvement project to another, in an effort to organize, normalize and simplify my life. I can only imagine what it looks like to casual observers, since it feels like such a mess to me much of the time. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember.
But I’m coming to appreciate that this is how I do life. Busy, complicated…messy.
Believe me when I say I’ve put the time into trying to change it. But there is just too much I want to do, and I’m unwilling to give any of it up. Not the art, not the time spent helping my kids and grandkids, not traveling with Mr. Tattered, not watching my shows or pouring over art magazines or playing solitaire or doing sudoku, not scrapbooking, not fixing up the house – none of it. I want it all. And I’m willing to accept “messy” to have it. My mother always used to say that I burn the candle at both ends, and I think that may have been overly kind – more like both ends AND the middle!
My granddaughters tease me about my “hoard room.” It’s a mess. And every once in awhile, I try to purge and restore order, and sometimes I even make some progress, but it’s only a matter of days before it’s back to how it was.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it is a physical manifestation of the inside of my brain, and that it’s not going to change any time soon. I was even trying to explain it to the little one a few days ago saying, “Gaga just likes doing so many different things, and they all require their own supplies.”
So, it seems like acceptance, and yes, even EMBRACING it seems to be the only rational choice.
I’m not going to find balance. Ever. Passion isn’t balanced, and it rules my life. And although a case could be made that it needs to be reined in, I just can’t, or won’t. I love being passionate. I love how it feels way more than I hate how it looks.
No, I’m not crazy about the house full of half finished projects, and in keeping with my “one little word” – ignite – I’m trying to catch up on them, but truth be told, I’ll NEVER be completely caught up. I rarely finish one project before passion for a new one takes over, leaving the old one in the dust. I’m not giving up on doing better, but I AM going to try to stop beating myself up when I’m not successful. I’m going to try to accept that this is just me, being me. I come with stuff. Lots of it. And although I will continue to TRY to not let it impact others too much, this is who I am. Me and my stuff are a package deal.
Ha! So this is me, acknowledging that my life is messy, and not only am I accepting it, I’m embracing it.
Please remind me next time I try to FIX me, K?