Today I am torn. Almost “in a tizzy” torn.
I don’t really look like it, do I? Mr. Tattered likes this photo. He said I look happy. And I am. In the midst of torn and tizzied. I am.
Let me explain.
Some of you have been around here long enough to know I am continually battling my weight.
I have the metabolism to withstand a potato famine, combined with a severe dislike of exercise for exercise’s sake, although I do like physical activities like kayaking and hiking. BUT, the pursuits I am most passionate about are sedentary. Additionally, I love good food, but I’m doing pretty well at eating small quantities of it. Two or three bites of a luscious dessert satisfy me, I don’t need a trough of it. But still, I sometimes manage to eat more than my metabolism can handle. To complicate things further, I also love cute, flowing gypsy type clothes that look pretty ridiculous on a short, chubby person.
Take all these things and swirl them together, and you have your basic mess. In essence, I am a skinny girl, trapped in a fat girl’s body.
So. Instead of wallowing in self pity, I FINALLY decided to do something about it (again. But again is better than never, right?) I started a 10,000 step plan to increase my activity level and have been doing really good for months. I started back to yoga. Without depriving myself, I have been doing a fairly good job of limiting caloric in take, and I have stayed off the scales, in favor of depending on how my clothes fit, rather than relying on numbers that tend to depress me.
I haven’t seen much movement in how I look (the universe doesn’t seem to care that I believe with all my heart that once you show two months dedication to weight loss, you ought get a do-over and go instantly back to a healthy weight!) but I feel a little stronger every day, and I KNOW that what I am doing is not only good for me, but somewhere inside me the benefits are accruing and will show up in a better looking body eventually.
Then I read a blog post from one of my favorite bloggers about our bodies not being our masterpiece, but merely the paintbrush we use to paint our masterpiece (our lives.) Instead of comforting me (as it did many who read it) it has thrown me for a bit of a momentary loop. It’s almost as if she has given me permission to quit working on the size of my paintbrush and concentrate on the masterpiece of my life, instead.
This is where being torn and tizzied comes in. I WANT to do that. I really do.
But the sad fact is that it isn’t going to work for me. (So I guess I’m not really torn, after all. And the tizzy is over.) I have woven my weight issues so tightly into the fabric of my life, that nothing short of losing weight is going to make things right in my world. It’s not fair, it’s not right, but it is what it is. And all the “feel good” posts in the world (even if they are from people I admire) are going to change that.
So guess what? I’ve realized no one can choose what is best for me, but me. Not even someone I admire. I’m glad this will work for some people. There are probably hundreds of people who like themselves just a little better after reading it. I wish it would work for me. I REALLY do. I would LOVE being content with being an amazing person in an over-weight body. But I can’t. I have been overweight long enough to know that I cannot be satisfied with my life at this weight. No matter how well the rest of my world is working, if my body doesn’t come at least close to reflecting the me inside, I will not feel “right.”
Which is really kind of bizarre, because I have no objection to anyone else being overweight. I look down on no one. I completely understand that weight is not a measurement of worth. I NEVER look at my overweight friends and feel sorry for them, or think “if only they would lose weight their lives would be so much better.”
But being this overweight is just not right for me. No judgement on anyone else. It’s just not right for me.
It’s good to know that. And it’s good that I’m taking positive steps toward changing what I need to change. So, yeah, even though I’m not yet where I want to be, I’m happy.
Bottom line. Not every post I read means I need to change something I’m doing. Although it’s good to read different things and do a reality check on whether or not those words have bearing in my life, SOMETIMES, I’m going in the right direction for me already, and I need to not let everything I read send me into a tizzy.
On that note, I’m going to check on my turtle.
Oh, wait. I guess if you’re not a Facebook friend, you don’t know about my turtle. Stay tuned. That’ll be my next post.