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It Seems So Simple

Welcome to Blogtoberfest Day#3!

Yesterday on my blog, I was talking a bit about not being able to figure out the direction of my life, and a friend said, “Have fun creating, never mind the direction –  maybe you are just meant to have lots of fun.”

I responded that in my more sane moments, I agree! Why then do I keep fighting it?

Realistically, intellectually, I understand that at this point in my life, given the realities of my life, a creative business just does not fit into it. It is a humongous commitment. TONS of work. A willingness to put it ahead of literally everything else.

I have wonderful grandchildren that LOVE spending creative time with me. They love the little things I make for them and with them. I love being with them. I love that they want to be artists. I have a husband of forty years that I want to travel with, and reap the rewards of all the hard work of our youth.

These things do not mesh with the demands of a blossoming business.

So why, why, why, do I continue to fantasize about returning to the stress and uncertainty of owning a creative business? Why do I flirt with the idea of spending all my waking hours giving it one more go?

The best I can come up with is that I was never able to get my first creative business to where I wanted it to be, even after 20 years of trying. I sold it before I reached my goals. I never quite realized my dreams. And I am still invested in it. I’m still allowing (in some small place in my brain – or is it in my heart?) the possibility that I might get another chance. That maybe, just maybe, the dream doesn’t need to die.

I can’t tell you the stress this is causing me. I can’t tell you how ridiculous I feel going over the same territory over and over.

On the one hand, I feel like I want it so much. I have bought into (for the most part) the idea that I can be whatever I want to be, have whatever I want, if I just work hard enough. If I just figure out the logistics. I mean, I can’t get it out of of my head. Doesn’t the fact that the dream won’t go away mean SOMETHING?

On the other hand, I know I had my shot, it didn’t work out, and it’s time to find a new dream. One that meshes with my life better. My real life. And the idea of that is not unappealing to me. I like the thought that there is a creative dream out there that will fill the empty place in my heart, without sucking up the rest of my life, the part that I love and would have to give up in order to have the business I am obsessed with having.

I’m trying to be patient and accept that it will come. That the dream is forming in my heart already, and will present itself when the time is right. I’m trying to remember that the JOURNEY is what is important. That all the things I am doing along the way are the important things. And that it doesn’t matter that I can’t see exactly where I’m going right now.

It seems so simple. So why is it so hard?

About tatterednworn

I am a woman who has committed to living a creative life.

6 responses »

  1. Seek to know the ONE that put those dreams in your heart, not the dreams. He alone can satisfy and fill that place in your heart! xo

    • You may be right, Kathleen. I know I need to get closer to Him, and maybe He IS waiting until I come closer to show me that last piece of the puzzle. I’ve done everything EXCEPT pray about it. I have this stubborn preference to do it by myself, first, then call on Him if I can’t do it.


  2. Janet, I totally get it! We’re not that far apart in our ages and I really want to pursue my artsy business, but do I have the stamina and drive to do this while enjoying my retirement? I’ve been discussing this with the Mr. and told him I might try to pursue this for a few years, but after that, who knows. Decisions, decisions! I think we should just take it a day at a time and see where it leads us.

    • The difference between us though is that I have my granddaughters to care for, and should I decide to concentrate on a business, time will have to go from them to it…and I don’t want to do that. I’m glad for you, though that you have the opportunity! You are so talented, Carol!


  3. Janet, I am feeling your pain! I argue these same points with myself over and over again. The scenario is a little different, I am still working a full time job, dreaming of changing to a creative biz now that I am in my later years. Although I don’t have a simple answer for you I think we just have to continue through our journey and look for support from our friends and co-creatives. The universe will open the doors when the time is right, meanwhile enjoy those granddaughters!


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