Welcome to Blogtoberfest Day#3!
Yesterday on my blog, I was talking a bit about not being able to figure out the direction of my life, and a friend said, “Have fun creating, never mind the direction – maybe you are just meant to have lots of fun.”
I responded that in my more sane moments, I agree! Why then do I keep fighting it?
Realistically, intellectually, I understand that at this point in my life, given the realities of my life, a creative business just does not fit into it. It is a humongous commitment. TONS of work. A willingness to put it ahead of literally everything else.
I have wonderful grandchildren that LOVE spending creative time with me. They love the little things I make for them and with them. I love being with them. I love that they want to be artists. I have a husband of forty years that I want to travel with, and reap the rewards of all the hard work of our youth.
These things do not mesh with the demands of a blossoming business.
So why, why, why, do I continue to fantasize about returning to the stress and uncertainty of owning a creative business? Why do I flirt with the idea of spending all my waking hours giving it one more go?
The best I can come up with is that I was never able to get my first creative business to where I wanted it to be, even after 20 years of trying. I sold it before I reached my goals. I never quite realized my dreams. And I am still invested in it. I’m still allowing (in some small place in my brain – or is it in my heart?) the possibility that I might get another chance. That maybe, just maybe, the dream doesn’t need to die.
I can’t tell you the stress this is causing me. I can’t tell you how ridiculous I feel going over the same territory over and over.
On the one hand, I feel like I want it so much. I have bought into (for the most part) the idea that I can be whatever I want to be, have whatever I want, if I just work hard enough. If I just figure out the logistics. I mean, I can’t get it out of of my head. Doesn’t the fact that the dream won’t go away mean SOMETHING?
On the other hand, I know I had my shot, it didn’t work out, and it’s time to find a new dream. One that meshes with my life better. My real life. And the idea of that is not unappealing to me. I like the thought that there is a creative dream out there that will fill the empty place in my heart, without sucking up the rest of my life, the part that I love and would have to give up in order to have the business I am obsessed with having.
I’m trying to be patient and accept that it will come. That the dream is forming in my heart already, and will present itself when the time is right. I’m trying to remember that the JOURNEY is what is important. That all the things I am doing along the way are the important things. And that it doesn’t matter that I can’t see exactly where I’m going right now.
It seems so simple. So why is it so hard?